Self-Development
Why Is It Hard to Practice Self-Compassion?
25/12/2024

As we navigate the labyrinth of life, we often encounter countless challenges, face adversity, and lend a compassionate ear to friends and loved ones. However, there is one person we frequently overlook when it comes to offering kindness and understanding - ourselves. The concept of self-compassion, though universally embraced in theory, poses an enigmatic struggle for many. In this blog article we will explore why practicing self-compassion can be so difficult for some of us.

Introduction

​​I deserve to be loved
This is hard for me
I am competent
I am enough
I forgive me
I did great

Good, you know how to read.

Now, let’s repeat that out loud.

Try reading those six phrases out loud. Try again in front of your mirror. Don’t look down. Look at yourself and shoot them out. Notice how you react to your voice. Notice your body language. Are you looking down again? Are you touching your neck? Are you cracking your fingers? Are you repeating  the phrases too quietly? Notice your reactions. Are you feeling uncomfortable? Do you want to get it over with and read something more “interesting”, less “superficial”, and more “important”?

I know. It’s okay. It happens to the best of us. It’s like a bomb is exploding in our heads telling us:

It’s so cringe
Don’t be so cheesy
Don’t be one of those
It’s weird talking like that for yourself
Stop bragging
Be modest
This is self-pitying
People will think less of you
You deserve good comments only if you have worked hard
You don’t deserve them
This is not true
You are lazy
Don’t be so easy on yourself
This is a waste of time

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What is Self-Compassion?

Let’s start with baby steps in defining self-compassion. According to Dr Kristin Neff, a leading expert in self-compassion, instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings or difficult times. We treat ourselves like we would treat a friend. There are three elements of self-compassion: self-kindness, acceptance of our imperfect human nature, and mindfulness.

3 Elements of Self-Compassion

  • Self-kindness: entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate; rather than ignoring our pain or engaging in self-criticism.  
  • Acceptance of common humanity: The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable and imperfect.  Therefore, self-compassion involves recognising the idea that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through; rather than being something that happens to “me” alone.
  • Mindfulness: the willingness to observe our negative thoughts and emotions with openness and clarity so that they are held in mindful awareness. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it simultaneously.  ​

Why is Practicing Self-Compassion Difficult?

“Okay, I understand that, and I know it would be helpful for me, but this doesn’t make it any easier for me to practice it in my everyday life. Why does it feel so awkward to me?”

There are, of course, multiple perspectives one may choose to address this question. Here, we will address it by focusing on a more Schema Therapy & Acceptance and Commitment Therapy perspective.

How we treat and talk to ourselves is a learned behavior. It did not come out of nowhere. Throughout our early life experiences- with our family, friends, and significant others- we have all developed core beliefs about ourselves and the world, otherwise called schemas. Imagine schemas as a pair of glasses you wear throughout your day. Through them, you observe and understand the world and yourself. For example, it makes sense that you developed this idea that ‘when making a mistake or experience something difficult, you should strongly criticize yourself; expecting no other mistake; and showing no emotional “weakness”’ if:

  • when you were making a “mistake” or experiencing something tough as a child, your teachers’ or parents’ reactions were not compassionate and accepting, but rather focused on judgment and pushing you further
  • you had experienced exclusion, disapproval or judgment from a friend whenever you “failed” in any way
  • you learned that when we experience something hard, the best reaction is to suppress your pain or anger and not show any “weakness”, instead of giving yourself some time, understanding and kindness to work through it
  • you did not experience any of the above yourself, but you saw another person you value a lot doing so to someone else

Because of experiences like these, some of the core emotional needs every individual has, have not been met. In particular, the need for acceptance, unconditional love, and freedom to experience both positive and negative emotions. In other words, the sense that “It’s okay that some things will go wrong”, “it’s okay to say that what I am now experiencing is tough”, and “It’s okay being kind and accepting towards myself and my negative emotions”, was not incorporated in your core beliefs system. Instead, ideas that being self-compassionate is a way of “engaging in self-pity” or “being lazy” became more dominant.

Some schemas commonly seen, and therefore an obstacle to practicing self-compassion, are the following;

  • Unrelenting Standards: “I am not good enough”, “I am incompetent”.
  • Failure: “I failed, and I am going to fail again”, “I am a failure”  
  • Shame: “I did something wrong. People will now exclude me and disapprove of me.”
  • Self-punitiveness: “I did something wrong, and now I have to be punished for it”

Do all of these sound familiar?

Having established these beliefs as your core way of thinking for several decades now, it makes a lot of sense why you have developed a powerful inner critic-a punitive or demanding inner voice as we called it in other words.

  • The punitive voice keeps judging you for all the things you did wrong in the past; asking for self-punishment and self-judgment.
  • On the other hand, the demanding inner voice comes along further, pushing you and telling you that “Now you need to be perfect”, “Show no weakness”, and “Try even harder so you never fail again”.  ​

Does it make more sense now, why your brain reacts instinctively to any other self-talk?  

If, for years, you learned to tell yourself “I am incompetent, people will disapprove me, I have to be punished, be perfect and show no weakness”, and you now decide to- even slightly- switch your self-talk, your brain only knows one way to react: “Don’t be cheesy, you don’t deserve these words, stop it, this is a waste of time”.

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Starting to Practice Self-Compassion

The schemas and the inner voice have been created back then due to unmet core emotional needs, and as a form of acceptance. However, now, you are in a position to offer this acceptance to yourself. You can now look at “failures”, “mistakes”, and “difficult times”, as what they are; and instead of reacting with your judgemental voice and suppression of the negative emotion, as you would normally do, just sit with those emotions. Let them be there next to you; accepting that is a difficult time for you and that talking harshly to yourself will only empower your schema and inner critic voice. You have succumbed to this inner voice for years and yet you are reading this blog. This means that this coping method of yours has not been as useful as your mind tells you it is. Try a different road this time. Try rephrasing your narrative. Be more compassionate and remind yourself it will be uncomfortable at first. It takes time to rebuild our voices after a sore throat, so allow yourself to take some time recovering from this constant self coughing.

Let’s try again:

I am having a difficult time
I forgive me
It’s okay
I tried
I worked hard
I deserve to be loved
I am competent
I am enough
It’s not cringe
It’s not cheesy
People will not think less of me
This is not a waste of time

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Written by Alexandra Symeonidou, intern at AntiLoneliness

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